much ado about exes

Sigh no more, lovers, sigh no more.

At once the all of me

so enraptured by…

Giddy was I

to twine my soul with thee.

Laughable now to think

‘twas ever so.

It’s strange to think of the scars we leave behind sometimes. In the wake of new beginnings lingers the ghosts of lovers past. If we’re not careful, they can haunt us well into the next chapters of our lives.

But moving on means moving on, right? Gotta keep up the momentum, live for today, and not get bogged down by woulda been, coulda been, ain’t it a shame blame game.

That’s just what they want you to do, isn’t it? Well, maybe. But no sense dwelling on it when there’s this new day of life to be livin’.

I’m now at the dawn of something new, something wonderful, something I don’t dare fuck up. Yet I keep reacting like Mr. Yesterday is going to condemn me for being myself: a smart-alecky wise ass woman with a penchant for making tangenty interruptions in the midst of more meaningful dialog. But unlike ol’ Yesterday, my new man finds this behavior in me perfectly acceptable, at times even a bit charming, and all part of any organically evolving conversation. In essence, I’ve hit the jackpot; I get to be myself now.

Still, my reflexes are wired for Yesterday’s hang ups. And my most recent chapters were filled with so much fear. Fear of the anticipated reaction to me simply being me. It’s only when I remind myself that: hey, that was yesterday! that I can let myself relax and truly explore this new chapter of my life.

So it’s a bit disheartening when I begin to think that time’s healing all — that I can pass my ex amid the daily grind and actually feel joyful to see him — only to find that he’s been sending bitter poetic notes about our relationship out into the blogoverse for all to see. What rot is this?

Are his actions any better than my new love’s ex, who, upon finding out about our love, severed all of her social network connections to him and his entire family? What would I rather have haunting me: an ex posting bitter pith about me, or an ex completely disconnecting from me? Given this choice, and given that I already have both of these ghosts for exes, I’ll take the crudely drafted couplets over total erasure any day. Besides, maybe it’s just his way of reacting to me being me, and I want to accept him for what he is now, bitter posts and all.

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2 comments on “much ado about exes

  1. tygrlily says:

    Excellent. Great philosophy on ex’s who obviously can’t totally let go if they’re going to spend time, energy, and thoughts on someone they think they don’t want anymore. Ex’s add interesting texture to the fabric of your being.

    • Amber Hudson says:

      You’re absolutely right. Can’t help but want to know what they’re up to sometimes (the ones who haven’t erased themselves from my life). Checked out his blog today and discovered that he removed the bitter poem about me, which is as close to a reply to my blog that I’ll ever get from him. I’m comforted by that.

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