I get so caught up in my own head sometimes, and then I write from this interior space with stream of consciousness rambles, reacting to my own paranoid social anxieties …
I post my free writes with little to no editing or censoring to my blog (and then subsequently on facebook).
I don’t know what anyone’s thinking of me or wanting from me any more than I know for sure what I think of myself or want from them in return one moment to the next. I’ve been posting from the hip, and it’s blown up in my face more than once.
I should have learned by now that there’s a need for pause and self-reflection, time to fine tune my thoughts and get at the heart of what’s really irking me and state it clearly in a less public forum than this one.
What at first appeals to me as funny ha ha comes full circle as say what?! Is that really how I feel? Is that really what I want to project into the blogoverse? Catty, jibey, venty bleh! No, not really. Had I spent more time crafting it, it might have been far less abrasive and far more understandable. Lacking a do over, I’m just grateful that the people in my life understand that I am not entirely cruel or bitchy, that I am a flawed, yet redeemable person worthy of forgiveness and compassion.
I remember my mom telling me a story about being a bridesmaid. All the bridesmaids were terrorized by the bride, who would scowl at them, bark orders, and insist that none of them speak to her. She had to have her day be perfect, and apparently free will for anyone else was out of the question. After the wedding day, none of the bridesmaids ever spoke to the bride again. This is not what I want. It’s not all about me.
Weddings can make people go crazy, I think. And a wedding on a super tight budget can be even more crazy making than the usual more lavish affair. It’s no wonder elopement looks like an easy detour around the budgeting headache. No fuss. No muss. You go get hitched and then on with married life. People who don’t like their families might find this easy, but me, I really love my family and think that a budget wedding is a chance for everyone to get involved and be creative. Why buy flowers when we can all grow our own? Why get an overpriced and overhyped caterer when you’ve got some of the best meat grillers and home cooks right in your own family circle? Why call on a bakery when your dear and super talented friend wants to do it herself? I’m pretty sure I just saved myself 5 grand right there. In with creativity, out with negativity! Huzzah!